The Reserves You Forgot You Had

Okay, so remember when I promised you a follow-up about what breathable governance actually looks like in practice?

Yeah. I didn't write it.

Not because I forgot. Not because I got busy (though let's be honest, I did). But because the more I sat with it, the more I realized I was about to answer the wrong question.

After I wrote about why change fails - all that suffocation, over-structuring, theater with quite the performance - people kept asking me the same thing... "Okay, but how do I build governance that doesn't suffocate everyone?"

And I kept thinking... That's not actually the question you need answered first.

Because here's what I kept seeing in every conversation, every client engagement, every late-night coffee chat with exhausted leaders...

Smart, capable people - people who know better - keep building systems that burn them out anyway.

So before I can show you what breathable governance looks like, we need to talk about why you keep holding your breath in the first place.

The loop you can't see (but are definitely stuck in)

Look, I need to tell you something about that exhaustion you're feeling.

You know the one. Where you're working harder than ever, hitting your numbers, checking all the boxes... and somehow feeling more depleted by the day. So naturally, you do what any high-achieving leader would do - you double down. More structure. Tighter systems. Better performance metrics.

And it just makes it worse.

This isn't a you problem. It's a design flaw.

Here's what's actually happening... You're stuck in a loop most leaders don't even see coming. You lean hard into structural intelligence - the logic, the analysis, the decisive action, all the things that got you here in the first place. You hit your goals. But you feel... disconnected. Empty. So you push even harder on structure to fix the exhaustion.

The cycle repeats. You get more depleted. More disconnected from the very reserves that could actually sustain you.

And before anyone jumps in with "well, business is hard and it’s just the way it is" - yes. I know. But this isn't about weak people. It's about weak systems.

The systems weren't built for you to last

We're operating inside environments that reward outcomes and nothing else. Performance metrics that measure what you deliver, not whether you're dying inside while delivering it. Decision-making frameworks with zero room to breathe. Communication that only flows one direction. Promotion criteria that basically says "always on" equals "valuable."

These systems weren't designed for sustainable leadership. They were designed for extraction.

And most of us? We inherited this playbook without questioning it.

We learned early - in school, in our families, in our first jobs - that the "good" ones follow the rules. Complete assignments on time. Check all the boxes. Outperform the person next to you. Get the good grade, gold star, the promotion, the recognition.

So we carried that into our careers. We worked longer hours than our colleagues. Pursued every certification. Said yes to every opportunity. Built our worth on how much we could produce.

And for a while? It worked. We climbed. We succeeded. We looked good on paper.

Until we didn't.

I lived this loop (and it nearly broke me)

For years, I was no different.

I grew up in fintech and wealth management as a young woman in a male-dominated industry. I chased success because that's what I was taught to do. I worked ridiculous hours - before dawn, late into the night. I played by the rules. Spoke the corporate jargon. Buried my instincts under spreadsheets of data. Over-delivered on everything to prove my worth.

I climbed the ladder quickly. On the surface? I looked successful.

But inside, I was crumbling.

I didn't understand what was happening - or who I was becoming. And I told no one. Because that's what you do when you're trying to prove you belong, right? You pretend you're fine. You push through. You work harder.

Then came my breaking point.

A betrayal by my boss - someone I'd viewed as a mentor - over a business decision that completely shattered my moral compass. I felt empty. Hollow. Like I'd traded my soul for a title.

So I resigned. On the spot. And walked away.

That decision led me to a career coach and a wise teacher who helped me realize something I should've seen years earlier... I had been playing by rules that were never designed for me.

From that moment, I started listening. Not to the external noise telling me to work harder, be tougher, prove more. But to my own quiet wisdom.

And as I navigated my way out of that hole? I started seeing how many other leaders were struggling with the exact same thing. Pushing themselves to the brink. Wearing busyness as a badge of honor. Losing themselves in the process.

Here's what nobody tells you about leadership

Most leaders are operating on half their fuel.

They're relying almost entirely on structural intelligence - the framework of stability, order, logic, analysis, vision, and decisive action. Don’t get me wrong - this intelligence is essential and absolutely needed. And this is what businesses reward. This is the approved playbook. This is what gets you promoted.

But there's another intelligence most leaders have completely forgotten they possess. Relational intelligence - the capacity for collaboration, compassion, creativity, intuition, presence, adaptability, and genuine connection.

And here's the thing everyone gets wrong about this...

This isn't soft. It's strategic.

When you integrate both - when you slow down one intelligence to fully express the other - you stop suffocating under structure and start leading with both clarity and humanity.

You become more effective, not less. More influential, not weaker. More sustainable, not slower.

What this actually looks like in real life

Okay, so this all sounds nice in theory. But what does integration actually look like when you're in the thick of it?

Let me give you a concrete example.

You've prepared for a client meeting. Agenda's set, materials ready, talking points locked and loaded. That's structural intelligence at work - and it matters. You need that preparation.

But as the meeting begins, you notice something. The client is distracted. Maybe agitated. Their energy is off.

Most leaders at this point? They bulldoze through the agenda anyway. Because that's the plan. That's what we prepared. We're here to deliver.

But what if instead... you paused?

You read the room. You sense what's actually happening beneath the surface. And you might even say something like, "Before we dive in, let's do a quick reset. In one word, how are you feeling right now?"

The client says, "Heartbroken."

Now you know.

You adjust your entire approach. You lead with gentleness instead of urgency. You create space for what's actually happening, not just what you planned to happen.

That 60-second pause? That's relational intelligence. And it changes everything - the quality of the conversation, the trust in the relationship, the outcome of the meeting, and your own energy walking out of it.

This is what balance actually means. Not splitting your time 50/50 between work and life (whatever that even means). But knowing when to lean into structure and when to lead from connection.

The invitation (because you can't keep running on empty)

You don't need another framework to master. Another certification to earn. Another system to implement.

You need to integrate the reserves you already have.

This week, try this... In one high-stakes moment - a client meeting, a team decision, a board presentation - pause. Read the room. Sense what's unsaid. Adjust your approach based on what you feel, not just what you planned.

Notice what shifts. Not just in the outcome, but in your energy.

Because the loop breaks when you stop running on half your fuel - and start leading with all of it.

If you're an executive watching your people burn out despite all your systems and structure, I partner with firms as a fractional Chief of Staff to redesign how work actually moves through your organization. I create clarity without suffocation. Oversight without theater. And initiatives that stick because your people have room to breathe inside them.

If you're a leader trying to navigate your career without losing yourself in the process, I see you. And you're not crazy for thinking there has to be a better way. I guide leaders to integrate relational intelligence back into how they work - so they can lead with both strength and sustainability.

Next time, I'll come back to share what breathable governance actually looks like in practice.

Until then, keep breathing.

Erica

P.S. If you're reading this and thinking "yes, but how do I actually know which intelligence I'm over-indexing on?" - I built something for you. My Career Crossroads Quiz helps you see where you're leaking energy and what reserves you've been running without. Three minutes, brutally honest questions. Take it here.