When Success Feels Like Wearing Someone Else’s Skin

Let's have a real conversation about something that's been on my mind.

You Know This Feeling

You walk into a business meeting and suddenly... you're different.
Your voice drops an octave. Your laugh gets all careful and measured. You straighten up but somehow shrink at the same time. God forbid you smile too much. You wouldn't want them thinking you're "too emotional," right?

A VP at a big pharmaceutical company once told me something that still makes my stomach turn:
"I got so good at being who they needed me to be, I forgot who I actually was."

Oof. Right in the gut.

This woman had mastered the art of corporate camouflage. For her, fitting in meant looking like her male counterparts. Hair slicked back, minimal makeup, simple jewelry, a suit jacket doubling as armor. She assumed the role... and lost herself along the way.
It reminded me of another story. A woman CEO of a fintech company in the '90s, boarding a plane with her portable computer, the size of a carry-on. A well-meaning man offered to help:

"Can I help you with your sewing machine?"

She was flying to New York to negotiate a multi-million-dollar deal. But sure, let's go with a sewing machine.
Sound familiar?

Let's Get Real About Loneliness

Here's what nobody wants to say out loud. The loneliness at the top isn't because there aren't enough women in the room. Though we certainly know we need more.

It's because we've learned to check ourselves at the door like a coat.
Think about it. How many times have you:

• Dumbed down your intuition because it seemed "too soft"?
• Started sentences with "I'm sorry, but..." before sharing a perfectly good idea?
• Worn your exhaustion like some twisted badge of honor?

And here’s the worst part. We do this to each other, too.
We size each other up. Compare notes. Judge other women for wearing the exact same mask we're suffocating under.
So we end up isolated not just from the men in suits, but from ourselves. And from each other.

The System Isn't Broken, It's Working Exactly As Designed

Workplace loneliness isn't some unfortunate side effect. It's baked right into the recipe.
For women leaders? It hits different because:

• You're often the only woman at the table (lonely much?)
• You dial down everything that makes you... you
• You watch other brilliant women doing the same damn thing
• Even the good guys carry around these dusty old assumptions about who we're supposed to be

The researchers are finally catching up to what we've known forever. Workplace loneliness is becoming an epidemic. But let's skip the fancy statistics for a minute.

You know what this costs you? Really costs you?
Your sanity-saving relationships? Gone.
Your voice, your spark, your magic? Muffled.
That relational genius that could make your team unstoppable? Hidden under a bush.
Your sense of belonging? What belonging?

And, yes, companies lose billions too, $8.8 trillion globally, according to Gallup. But forget the balance sheets for a second. This is about you showing up to your own life wearing someone else's skin.

What if You Just...Didn't?

Picture Monday's leadership meeting. But instead of code-switching at the door, you walk in as you.
Your voice stays steady and warm - no performative deepening. When the room goes quiet after your idea, you don't immediately backpedal. You notice Sarah looks overwhelmed and ask, "What support do you need?" By meeting's end, three people have shared what they're actually thinking.

This isn't magical thinking. It's what happens when one person chooses wholeness over fitting in.

Time for Some Gentle Rebellion

Here's what they don't teach you in business school. All those parts of you that they told you to hide? Your empathy, intuition, that way you can read a room and know exactly what's really going on?

They are your superpowers you've forgotten how to use.

The powers that transform isolation to connection. And when this happens, it changes the room.
So let's talk about taking it back, one tiny rebellious act at a time.

Micro-Moments of Self-Reconnection

Before responding to pressure, pause. Put your hand on your heart (or your solar plexus if you're feeling fancy). Take a breath. Ask yourself: "Is this response coming from my head, my heart, or my gut?" Then choose from that whole, integrated place. Not autopilot.

Relational Micro-Rebellions

Skip the small talk. Ask what actually matters: "What surprised you most about working here?" Give compliments that go deeper than deliverables: "Your calm during that tense conversation? It was a gift to the room." Watch their whole face change when someone finally asks or offers them something real.

Micro-Disruptions in Systems

Start with a one-word check-in. "Before we dive into the agenda, how's everyone feeling in one word?" You'll be amazed how much energy shifts when people feel seen before they feel tasked.

These aren't corporate initiatives or culture hacks. They're nervous system resets. Oxytocin moments. The small ways we remember ourselves - and each other - as actual humans.

Here's What Shifts When You Stop Playing Small

When you stack these tiny rebellions, something beautiful happens:

Week 1: You stop doom-scrolling after dinner because your brain finally unclenches.
Month 1: Your team starts bringing you the real stuff, not sanitized updates that tell you nothing. Your one-word check-ins? They become the part of meetings people actually look forward to.
Month 3: The quietest woman in the room starts sharing ideas that everyone leans into. Because you made space for her voice.
Month 6: Your shoulders relax. You sleep better. You stop performing your competence and start contributing your full self.

The ripple effect? Other women stop seeing you as competition. They see you as permission. Permission to do the same.

The Question That Changes Everything

Every day, you stand at this crossroads:
Keep the mask on. Play it safe. Keep wondering why success feels so hollow.
Or become the leader who changes the room just by being herself.

So here's my question for you:

What would it feel like to walk into work tomorrow as you - messy, brilliant, intuitive, strategic, whole?

Because that woman? She doesn't just fix her own loneliness. She cracks the whole system wide open. She shows every other woman: You can be successful and human. Effective and entirely yourself.

It starts with one micro-rebellion. One real conversation. One moment of choosing wholeness over hiding.
The question isn't, "Is this possible?"

It's: How much longer are you going to wait?